Finally
by undefined
Summary: Rent fic. R/m, and not that m, or the other one either. Yes, you've got it now. *revised*


Title: Finally  
Author: undefined  
Disclaimer: no characters here belong to me. i'm stealing them, bua ha ha  
Comments: I don't think this turned out very well. r/mk really intruiged me, and I've wanted to write it for a long time. I've read lots of good one's, and wanted to try too. I hope it isn't as awful as I think. =) 

~*~*~ 

In a funny way, Beverly Hills 90210 is a realistic show. It has a bunch of young people that fall in and out of love repeatedly. Every character on the show has slept with the other one of the opposite sex. Well, almost. 

The funny thing is that they stay straight throughout the entire collection of episodes. 

My group of friends is a lot like the one on 90210. We have the dramatic one, Maureen. There's the smart one, Collins. The on-and-off evil one, Benny. There's the couple that gets back together again and again but never is really sure of their relationship, Roger and Mimi. There's the one that's new to the group, and doesn't quite find their place, that's definitely Joanne. Every few episodes a new character comes in and touches everyone, then they either leave or die, Angel. Last and probably least there's the one who's been there from the beginning and brought them all together, but doesn't fit in anyway. That's me. Mark. Such a simple, common name. 

I've had a lot of time lately to think about things. Everything is pretty well figured out. 

Roger and I got a TV, we both have a reasonably steady income. Roger and his band got a steady job at a club, they play a gig every week. I recently sold a video and got a large balloon payment. I got them to give it me in cash too, so now I have a very special shoe box under my bed; I really hope our little flat never burns down. 

So now I have all this time to sit and think. It's true what they say, the more TV you watch, the less intelligent you get. I should stop. 

--- 

Walking to the Life Cafe doesn't take long. The chill in the air helps clear my head. They like me there now that I have money. I came in and ordered a cup of tea. From my little table in the corner I saw Mimi and Roger fall through the doorway. 

They looked so radiant. Rogers' cheeks were red from the cold outside, Mimi was in his coat. He had a brand new leather jacket. He let me borrow it once, it's always warm, and smells like him. I had an urge to take it from Mimi, put it on and throw myself into Rogers arms. But alas, it would disgust him. 

One thing I haven't quite figured out is myself and how other view me. I'm pretty sure that I disgust Roger and Maureen. Joanne and Benny seem to have learned to tolerate me, and the others are indifferent. Angel liked me, I think, but she's gone. 

I know I don't have a chance with Roger, but at least he pretends to be my friend. That's something; and it'll have to be enough. 

--- 

The next morning I woke up later than usual. I sat up and stretched. All of the sudden I heard laugher and honks. I looked into the main part of the loft and saw everyone in party hats. All of them, from Benny to Joanne were there. Everyone was laughing and singing "Happy Birthday". I couldn't believe they remembered, even I had forgotten about my birthday. 

Maureen sauntered over and fastened one of those bright paper hats to my head. She covered me in confetti and honked one of those little toys as well. No one had stopped giggling and I finally realized that I had no shirt on. I blushed and laughed along with them. Roger, who was laughing hardest of all threw me a shirt. I put it on quickly. The giggles subsided. 

They propelled me over to the cake. It wasn't big, but the candles were glowing. The reflection of the flames danced in everyone's eyes. As they started singing Happy Birthday, I thought of my wish. I always wish for the same thing. My eyes darted up at Roger. He looked very happy with Mimi on his arm. I felt horrible wishing for his love as the candles blew out with my breath. After all, if I truly love him, I want him to be happy. And he's happiest with Mimi, so I should just wish for them to not die too soon, and live happily together. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

"Happy birthday to you," the gang finished. It was so thoughtful of them to remember. 

Roger grinned like a little boy, "Time for presents!" 

I rolled my eyes, "You didn't..." 

I was propelled over to the stove area, where there were a few clumsily wrapped parcels. They were wrapped in brown paper. I tried not to giggle at how reminiscent this was of my childhood. The first I opened was from Maureen and Joanne: a shiny red teapot. From Collins: a set of nine different teas. I laughed them my thanks. Then from Mimi a sparkling silver spoon. I looked at her in surprise. 

"I got lots of tips one day," she answered my look simply and directly. I thanked her profusely. 

From Roger there was a beautiful mug. I thanked him too. 

I hugged myself, "What a great day! Thank you guys...so much. This is really amazing." 

They beamed and we all partied for a while. In an hour or so, Maureen decided to put on a little skit for us. While we watched, or rather, looked like we were watching, Roger whispered to me. 

It was different from Maureen's second-rate amusing acting so it took a moment for me to switch gears. He said, "Sorry all I got was a mug. I'm sort of broke right now." His eyes mocked me. "Is it good enough for you?" 

I rolled my eyes and joked to throw off my nervousness (his voice is so sexy), "I'm the rich one. Remember?" 

He grinned back, and turned back to Maureen. In the process he automatically put him arm back to where it had been: around Mimi. My joy faded. 

--- 

It was a dull and gray Saturday, a few days after the merriment of my birthday. I sat drinking brand-new tea, from my brand-new mug, stirring in milk with my brand-new still shiny spoon and watching 90210. "David" just befriended a gay guy who was disowned by his family. 

I don't know if my family would be quite that harsh if they knew about me. Hell, I think my mom already guessed a little bit. 

I really wish I could just fall into Roger's arms and sob my heart out. I sighed aloud thinking of how it would revolt him. 

Do others envy the dead? I envy Angel. He went out in a blaze of passion. He died knowing that there was someone he loved deeply who loved him just as much and always would. 

Why live without love? That's a question I can't find the answer to. Oddly, it's about the only question, and the one I care most about. Things like the point of human existence aren't hard to answer, but living without love seems pointless and bland. 

My thoughts were winding in a sparkling swirl of mystery as I heard a creak and a thud. I turned in alarm and saw Roger lying on the floor in the doorway. He was staggering to get in; tears were streaming down his face. I dropped my cup on the chair and ran to him. 

Between his sobs I heard, "She's gone. She left me. First April, now her." 

I dragged him over to my bed. He's a pretty heavy guy, but he tried to walk a bit. I laid him down and poured him some tea into my cup. In my confusion I found myself thinking that I should get another mug. Roger's whimpers brought my mind back into focus. 

It's very odd seeing him lying there looking helpless. He's usually the strong one. He usually gives off a radiance of control. But now, for the first time, he turned to me for assurance. 

And I still didn't know what was going on. 

He sipped at the tea. His eyes in the spoon I'd left in there. "Her gift," he whispered. I don't think he even noticed my nod. His eyes were on the spoon, looking at every shimmer and design on it. 

I decided he'd had enough quiet time. It was time to coax him into telling me what the hell was going on. "Roger. Tell me." I said this as gently as I could. 

"She's gone," he whispered, like he had before. 

"She left you? Benny again?" I was surprised, Benny had changed since his whoring days. He'd been faithful to Alison since Mimi left him for Roger. 

"No. No not like that," he said, tears started pouring again. 

I understood suddenly. "She's.....she isn't....dead?" 

He sobbed outright. Tears dripped into his tea. I took the mug gently from him so he wouldn't spill it, my heart was aching. "How did it happen? She couldn't have just...died...I mean...." I didn't know how to say it. My curiosity was killing me, and Roger's grief seemed to be killing him. 

"We were talking," he choked out his words, "and what I said upset her. She stormed out of her apartment and fell down the stairs! It's all my fault...that's she dead. I killed her. I killed -" he broke down again. 

I couldn't get over it. I never thought I'd see Roger break down like this. He was clinging to my arm and sobbing. It was more like something I would do. 

There wasn't anything I could say to make him feel better. I felt horrible, but there was that little, itty-bitty part of me that was thinking that the competition is gone. Thinking that made me hate myself even more. Perhaps talking about it would make him feel better, "What did you tell her? Why did she get mad? Whatever it was, nothing stopped her from dying. You don't just die." 

Roger looked even more ashamed it if was possible. His tears had slowed down, maybe he was running out. Or remembering himself, after all, he had to look manly. Roger always had to be the epitome of strength. 

"I -uh- I sort of broke up with her." He mumbled the words just clearly enough for me to understand. I was shocked. On one hand it was horrible, he broke up with her, she got upset, fled, and died. But there was still that horrible part of me that felt like I had more of a chance. 

"Why?" I asked. 

He shrugged weakly. "It didn't feel right anymore. I don't know, do you ever get the feeling..." He couldn't get the words out. "That you're not...quite...oh nevermind. I'm going to bed." 

I grabbed at him, "Not quite what? Talk to me, that's what I'm for." 

The squeezed his eyes shut and whispered, "Not quite straight?" 

My heart was pumping like it never had before. "Well, er..." 

He blushed, "Nevermind, of coarse you wouldn't know." His eyes were oddly hopeful. 

I sighed, "To tell you the truth, I'm not quite straight. After Angel died I realized just how un-straight I was." 

He started sobbing again. It's like he was drunk with grief. I put my arm around his shoulder awkwardly. I didn't know how to comfort people, I was used to just observing, like a good camera man. When my skin touched his I felt his back tense briefly. 

All of the sudden he was on me, kissing me. His mouth was on mine, his arms pinned me to the floor. Damn, that boy could kiss. His tongue roamed expertly, he knew exactly where to put his body. My head exploded...I felt like I could die happy. 

Suddenly I realized why he was kissing me. There was no way he'd kiss me because it was me, he was kissing me because he needed to. I may as well have been Joanne, it wouldn't matter to him. It's unimaginable how much effort it was required of me to push him off. Mentally more than physically. 

He looked pretty shocked. "You don't want me, do you?" 

I sighed, "You have no idea how much. I want you more than anything." My breaths were short and shallow, I couldn't get enough air. "At the risk of sounding mushy I won't tell you just how much. This is not exactly a good time for you. Go to sleep. You'll have a clearer head in the morning, then you'll realize your mistake." 

My eyes filled with tears, I couldn't keep them back. He looked so sad, I can only imagine how I looked. I walked him to his bed, he was still in shock but was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 

--- 

I woke up to find myself shivering. I was lying down in an alley behind the Life Cafe, I didn't know what time it was. Shit, I need a hot shower. I chortled to myself at the thought of the cold one I had needed last night. I remembered Mimi. It's odd, she was just there a few hours (days?) ago. We had laughed together, well, I had watched her and Roger laugh together, but the spirit remains the same. Roger had told me a while ago that she was weakening, she had never been her energetic self since that near-death incident. I can't believe she's gone. 

With Angel, I had seen him go. I had seen him go happily and peacefully. An image of a cussing, smoking with anger Mimi came to me. I could just see her tearing away from Roger and rushing to get out. Why couldn't she have just been more calm, then she would be alive. Why does this keep happening to the people I start getting close to? 

Roger! I had to find him, to see if he had meant what he said last night. I know he didn't mean what he did, but I had to know if he'd meant what he said. And I had to see if he was going to do now what he had done after April. 

I ran home. When I got in he was lying in his bed looking at my spoon again. He looked up at me as I closed the door. He looked at me, and I stood and looked back at him. I was first to look away. "You know," he started, "I'm the one that picked out this spoon. I thought you'd like to get something from each of us." I still didn't look at him. "I can't believe he's gone," he whispered. 

He sat up straight and firm, "I will not do what I did with April. I will not lose control. It wasn't completely my fault she's gone. I...will...not...live with this guilt forever. I have to push her out of my mind. I have to think about something else, once the shock sets in, I'll think about her more freely." 

Clearing my throat, I decided to change the subject and say what needed to be said. There was no way I could say anything about the Mimi-situation that he hadn't already worked out. So I brought up the kiss. "Look, I know yesterday was a mistake. I understand you were just desperate, it's no problem. I'll forget it ever happened." 

His eyes fell, and almost filled with tears. It was so unnerving, he has never in my memory been this insecure. "Okay," he sighed, "I'll get over it. I'm sorry for violating your privacy." 

"What?" My mouth dropped open. What did he need to get over? 

"It's probably just a little crush. I'm really sorry, really, I'll get rid of it." 

This was really not funny, "You have a -a crush on me? When the hell did this happen?" 

He raised an eyebrow, "Didn't you gather that? Sorry, maybe this is gray area for you. I don't make a habit of jumping people I don't want to...be involved with." 

"But I'm the one with the crush!" I blurted this out, and blushed immediately. "I mean, I've loved you for over a year now!" 

He laughed like mad, "Are you serious?" 

In a daze, I nodded. "I pushed you away because I thought you were just looking for someone to hug in a time of need. Damn, I sound like such a mushy flake." 

Looking into my eyes he got up and walked over to me. He held out his arms and I walked into them. He kissed me like he had last night. Only this time it was gentle, he was asking permission. I gave it to him wholly, throwing my arms around his neck. 

--- 

This is unreal. I'm lying next to him in his bed. It's morning, and I'm sobbing. This is a very long dream. If I wake up I'll never recover. Life is so perfect. So unlike 90210 in it's reality. Yet this cannot be real. 

~*~*~ 

That was my first Rentfic...I'm sure you could tell. I really wish there was more of a plot. Feedback would be greatly appreciated, especially if it's constructive. Thanks for reading. 


End file.
